Girlfriends and Weddings: An Inverse-Ratio

Girlfriends and Weddings: An Inverse-Ratio
An Applied Approach to Newton’s Third Law

I have surpassed the three month mark of being ‘in-country’ and I have realized that the mind is a very powerful tool. I have spent weeks stretching my mind to its outmost limits: Can I make it to the bathroom without having an accident? (physics); Is it wrong to call someone a bad name in a language that they do not understand? (linguistics); is that girl checking me out? (social studies); what the hell did that person just say? (spanish); how many times can I pronounce the same word incorrectly? (linear algebra).

In my downtime, just as any other neo-philosopher would, I enjoy challenging the status quo and attempt to look at my life from different angles. I present to you: Girlfriends and Weddings: An Inverse-Ratio (An Applied Approach to Newton’s Third Law). The actual essay is a volume of over one-thousand pages, I am still adding footnotes and sending the work to my editor, but I thought it would be good to present a clip note version of my work:


Sitting alone on my porch, strumming my guitar, a distant memory reappeared. It was a comment from a friend years ago in seventh grade – “Jimbo, you haven’t had a lot of girlfriends”. Being that I was 13 years old, was holding a trapper keeper with a picture of a green racecar, and was too nervous to talk to girls – I gave an obvious response, “dude, are you buying lunch today or what?”

- Some ten years later, I now know why I have “not had a lot of girlfriends” –

If there is one thing I am good at, it is weddings. And I am not talking about getting married. How many people go to a wedding to get married?!?!

Only two, trust me… I have done the research, only two people go to a wedding to get married, everyone else goes to eat, drink and dance their asses off – and I am good at doing just that.

My buddy Newton has some laws (kind of a cocky guy)… Every action has an opposite and equal reaction. Newton came up with this law when thinking about the inverse ratio of number of girls one has had, to the amount of weddings one goes to.

The mathematical equation goes as follows:

G, represents the total number of girls you know.
Ex, represents the total number of ex-girlfriends you have had.
D, represents the total number of times one will be able to dance his or her ass off at a wedding.

G – Ex = D

Jimbo Leddy
(G) Girls I know, 153.02034*
(Ex) Ex-girlfriends, 6.5**

NOTES
* Don’t ask
** I ‘kind of dated a girl in 6th grade, but things got weird over a bus ride to school and ended weird… so I only half count it.



153.02034 – 6.5 = 146.52034

Subtracting my ‘limited amount’ of girlfriends, from all the women I know, I can happily say that I will be dancing at at least 146.52034 weddings (147 rounding up).

Newton’s third law applies as follows:

One can only have one wife, (at a time ((in most cases))), which means that of all the girls one dates in their lifetime, they may in fact only have one wedding. This leaves us to deal with the effect of having an ex-girlfriend. Having an Ex, results in having a box of notes that you don’t know if you should keep or throw away, having a ‘pet name’ that you can no longer use, hanging with your buddies a lot more, and loosing the opportunity to attend a wedding in the future – because you know there is no chance that she is going to send you an invite!

Every action has an opposite and equal reaction is very much alive in the world of exgirlfriends and kick ass weddings. Every relationship that one has that doesn’t end right, BAM, you just missed another shot at a night of open bar, a dollar dance, and watching me do my Elvis impression on the dance floor.

That just is not a risk I am willing to take.

“Jimbo, you haven’t had a lot of girlfriends”

“Yeah, but you have been un-invited to a lot of weddings – and you don’t even know it!”

In conclusion, what is worse? Not having a lot of girlfriends, not being invited to a lot of weddings, or spending an hour on the computer writing a comparative essay on girlfriends to weddings and applying laws of physics as proof?

De El Salvador,

Jimbo